Out of Commission!

In Mysore with Jo

The past two months I've had two computer crashes. My logic board has been replaced twice with a new graphic card as well as a brand new display screen. Needless to say, I haven't been able to be on my blog as much as I would have liked. At one point I was without a computer for a month since it decided to go down during my previous travels. Frustration to the max. I am now thinking of getting a replacement computer just in case this happens again. The good thing is, I was forced to disengage for some time, which can be a necessary thing from time to time. Now I'm back!   

Back in the U.S.

Massive Sequoia in my sister's neighborhood!

My precious 7 year old niece. Time flies!

Castle Rock State Park, California

I've really been behind with updating. I really miss it though! Life has been a balancing act over the past few months and will continue at this pace with a few breaks in between. I can't complain though. I feel extremely lucky to have had a number of opportunities come my way, and well, consistency and hard work have a way of steadily paying off unexpectedly when you simply immerse yourself in the work. 

In October I traveled back to the U.S. for the first time in almost 5 years! Can you imagine?! I didn't think it would take that long to get back when I first moved to Sweden but that's how it worked out. In a way I felt like a foreigner in my own country of origin, hahaha. Not in a bad way. But, I have to say, there is something about the European lifestyle that jives with me. At least for now. I can't predict the future but I'm content on living in Sweden. It works, especially if I get the chance to go away someplace warm and sunny during the winter months. 

So I headed to the west coast first to visit my sister and her family, including my adorable niece above in the Portland, Oregon area, then afterward, to San Jose, California to teach a weekend workshop there. I'm thinking maybe it was a good thing I visited the west coast for my mode of re-entry. There is open minded thinking everywhere but there seems to be more of it in place out there. I guess my one and only complaint is America's obsession with the automobile. The bigger the better it seems, and I feel myself being turned off by it, especially after living in a country where public transportation is not only done well, but extremely well. 

However, through it all I had a lovely trip. There are some things I just don't have in Sweden. Like family and Whole Foods. In case you didn't know I'm obsessed with Whole Foods. Everything also seems so much cheaper in the U.S. versus Sweden. So for consumption, yeah, America's got Sweden beat. The 25% Vat can really add up but somehow I don't feel like I'm getting too burned. There's a quality of life and a balance of life in Sweden that I can really appreciate. The contrast of travel and living in another country has given opportunity to open my eyes to many facets of life. For that I am grateful. I'm still no doubt American but the beauty of practicing yoga, traveling and living abroad you realize that there is a thread that connects us all no matter what labels or nationalities we identify with. If we could open our minds to that our world word be a different place. 

This Summer

Ta

Just under a month I've been back home after an intense and transformational summer in Mysore, India. As always it took me a while to land and digest all that transpired, and in many ways I feel as if I am still digesting. I know transformational is a word that is thrown around a lot these days, and the only way to describe it is something shifted, for better or worse, who knows. I felt challenged on every level, mentally, emotionally, physically and most definitely spiritually. I cried this summer more than I had in a long time. I was broken down to be built back up. A toning from the inside out. A reckoning. The buzz of practicing there has just about worn off. It seems like the more you hold on to it the faster it goes. At the same time there is an inkling of a light that has been lit and the knowing it won't ever burn out.

Having the opportunity to immerse oneself in the way that we did this past summer was an opportunity of a life time, and really every trip I feel it, but this was on another level. I am always so grateful to have the time and space to focus on practice, ultimately focusing on the truer parts of life. I need these reminders. If I didn't I would be lost. It all goes back to the quality we lead in our hearts and minds in day to day living. Thankfully the practice of yoga helps to lead us there.

Moving forward there is so much that comes to mind. It is so easy to be swept away by the rhythm of our rushed society. I'm learning not to be so dictated by it. I too see how distracted I can be and how challenging it is to maintain this internal connection, but no one said it would be easy. It comes down to one's thirst for ultimate freedom as I contemplate what is that really? What does that look like? I'm getting the tiniest sense of it and yet it feels exciting and scary at the same time. Funny how that works. It's like balancing on the edge of a razor. 

True Love

“Love is a tremendous caring that arises in the wake of transcending the personal self. In the wake of this transcendence, something amazing arises. A deep love and caring arises from within emptiness, from nowhere. This love and caring seeks only the Truth in every moment and in all circumstances. True love is something far greater than anything that could be called personal. True love is a non-personal miracle. It is the nature of reality itself. It is the natural and spontaneous expression of the undivided Self.”

(Adyashanti)

The Power of Unity

I love the following story. If we followed this example there would be much healing in the world. The best part is we don't have to wait. We can start today. I think even recent news guides us that one just never knows what pain is held inside someone.

There is an old story of a farmer who was proud of the fruits produced in his orchard. There was one diseased tree that never produced  anything of value but merely took up space in the orchard. He tried everything, but couldn't get rid of that tree. He tried cutting it down, but it would grow again from a shoot. He tried poisoning it, but it never quite died. Then one day, following someone's advice, he planted many healthy trees around it. They were vigorous and healthy trees that suited the environment well. Soon it was difficult to see where that diseased tree was amongst them. Gradually those beneficial healthy trees took over the entire space and when the farmer looked for his old adversary, that diseased tree couldn't be found; it had become healthy and on its branches were growing crops of beautiful fruits.  

(B.K.S. Iyengar, from Core of the Yoga Sutras)

First of May

Now May, already, it is hard to believe, and as spring slowly begins to awaken, you know it's a slow process here in Sweden, you must have patience, once again, I find myself in a reflective mood. I enjoy the transitions of the seasons. I like change. There is something dynamic and hopeful in regards to change that I feel comfortable with. Granted not all change feels all that great but it is my feeling that more times than not change brings opportunity to more deeply understand ourselves and the world we live in.

When I think back to a year ago, which in reality doesn't feel that long ago, I can't say I've experienced any radical changes, only the fact that somehow I feel even more comfortable in my own skin. A settling in. A strength that radiates deep within my core. My gut. A connection to center. It's a good feeling. Going back to last year I felt more of an unraveling. Tiredness and exhaustion. Now instead of feeling low or high I see value in steadiness.

Steadiness of mind is the true fruit of yoga practice. Valuable beyond anything else once the thought waves subside and fade in the background the voice of our soul can finally speak. It will not yell over the mindless chatter of the mind. Sometimes I feel close to this space of awareness and other times seems more elusive. Whenever I step away to then come back inside to center I ultimately realize how deeply it has been missed. There is nothing more tranquil. There is nothing that can fulfill it from the outside. A lesson that takes constant reminding. However, the more it is experienced to be true the more it reaffirms in our state of being.

The remembering, it is the most challenging part. It is so easy to default to old patterns and comfort zones. Why? Thankfully, the practice of yoga gives space to watch and observe. To strengthen our resolve to what really charges our spirit. It is no easy task but one that once you get the smallest of tastes one will never yearn for anything less. 

Happy Vernal Equinox

Hello Spring!? With today marking the vernal equinox spring has a funny way of showing itself in Stockholm. Luckily, by the time I wrote this blog post my pictures weren't so accurate anymore. The snow has thus melted, but it did come down with a vengeance Wednesday evening leaving a beautiful scene in the city. It's easy to scoff at it when ready for warmer temperatures but the better of me had to admit there was something charming about it. At any rate, it didn't last long. March is the month where the two seasons battle it out. Hopefully winter will weaken its hold. We'll see. One may never know with how wacky the weather has been lately. 

Wishing all of you best wishes as spring valiantly makes it's debut! Happy Vernal Equinox! 

Rebuilding

February was an interesting month coming off our annual two month trip to Mysore, India. I had a few ups and down during our stay in Mysore but as always the daily practice was our rooting force and of course the primary reason for being there. I started to get an itch in my throat our last few days which inevitably turned into full blown flu when I arrived back home. On top of that a sore shoulder that has been off and on over the past 8 months. Practice in Mysore no doubt always holds a certain amount of intensity and this year was no different if not more so. My practice was epic, meaning long. No doubt extremely strength building both physically and mentally. When I arrived home the hammer fell and I was held at a stand still in terms of the momentum of practice acquired in Mysore, so I thought. Let's just say I was laid out, worse than I had been in years. No practice for nearly a week. Afterward it left my body feeling weak from days of fever and muscle aches.

Reacclimatizing from humid, warm weather to cold and dry, and coming back from flu the practice felt like I had to start from the beginning on a certain level, at least physically. Mentally what I found was the stability established from months of focused practice in Mysore still carried me even though the body wasn't quite there yet. Although, I can't say it felt like a honeymoon. For whatever reason it didn't feel like the body wanted to bounce back as quickly as I have experienced before. Humbling and one that takes attentive awareness around the rough edges. This go around it felt like there were more rough edges than usual.

On the flip side I've had more energy so it has been an interesting mix during the healing process. Sometimes things are unexplainable. One reason to keep the overall scope and perspective of the practice at heart. I've learned how detaching ourselves to how we felt for a period before or even the day before is important. Every day brings a new beginning. Every day there is something new to learn and discover. An unfolding that isn't always what we thought it would be or should be. 

Knowledge and Ritual

"Knowledge and ritual without compassion is empty."    (Jesus)

I read somewhere recently that in our practices resistance will follow us every step of the way. True. I'd have to say this definitely comes with the territory. Some periods are tougher than others and with resistance I have found how important it is to be attentive and watchful in how we connect to the practice in relationship to others. There are many trappings along the path as well as tests and if we are not mindful entering into more layers of delusion are bound to happen. In many ways I feel it humorous to write about such things because in no way am I an expert but it is something I have been contemplating lately and well here I am writing about it. So there!

Seriously though, oh wait, no I don't want to be so serious because sometimes I think that is the issue, taking ourselves way to seriously in relationship to our daily ritual of yoga practice. Yes, I take my practice seriously, for it has been an anchor, giving stability and focus, connecting to what I like to call my divine center. It's an intimate thing we touch between the spaces of our inhale and exhale, in those apexes between thoughts when our heart skips a beat because what is available in these spaces is available to all. With that, we must remember in our relationships with others everyone is in a process and we must be compassionate for whatever process that is. What I have learned is the greater intelligence knows all and no matter how much yoga I practice or books I read on the topic it in no way makes me any more in the know if I don't practice quietly sitting in this space of intelligence and usually that happens being the example more than schooling others when they have failed to understand the meaning of ahimsa (non-violence) or satya (truth) for example. 

I remember a while back after a situation that was massively blown out of portion someone then decided to throw the word satya around in a condemning fashion. It caused me to pause and reflect on the importance of the yamas and niyamas which are embedded in the first two limbs of Ashtanga yoga, the Eightfold Path. I reflected on the fact that nowhere does it seem to express, correct me if I am wrong, that we are supposed to judge others on these ethical practices. Yes, I use the word practice because they are what we ourselves practice and in the same light not necessarily to be projected onto others because obviously when we do so it is another form of distraction. They are guiding posts for us to be internally awake and what I have found calm and center my state of mind. I have also learned to accept that yes I will fail at times and I might even see others fail or be misguided and well it isn't always my call to make. Now, I'm not talking about major injustices in the world but more like day to day occurrences and interactions we have with friends, families, colleagues, or other yoga practitioners. 

Yes the phrase, "be the change you wish to see in the world," has been thrown around a lot lately but nonetheless puts into perspective that when I touch the light inside and shine it outward it no doubt holds more power than spiritual arrogance and or condemnation that let's be frank, often times is hidden behind a myriad of words and posturing that aren't always honest at their root. I like to use my own father as an example. He is the type of person that is very diligent and what some would call serious in regards to his own spiritual life. What over the years made it remarkable to me is the nonjudgmental attitude he would reflect on others in terms of these spiritual principles. It is something that has always stuck with me and has held importance as I journey forward. 

At the same time it is important we honor our feelings and be straightforward with those around us and what I am finding is not at the risk of losing all sense of compassion and sensitive awareness. I truly feel compassion is also about the art of listening without the filter of my own experience and knowing. To understand what someone is expressing without having to sound smart, charismatic or knowledgable. Can I find common ground even with those who have absolutely nothing in common with me?  Can I take in someone fully without hiding behind all my yoga knowledge? Because in truth, we are all born of the same source no matter the life experience or life choices. 

At the heart of knowledge and ritual is compassion. No need to hide behind anything for our ritual and knowledge are tools only and not what we ultimately connect to. 

“Spirit is in a state of grace forever. 

Your reality is only spirit. 

Therefore you are in a state of grace forever. 

(A Course in Miracles)

Holding Space

Outside KPJAYI

"It would be easier to roll up the entire sky into a small cloth than it would be to obtain true happiness without knowing the Self."  

(Upanishads)

I'm in Mysore. In the mist of rounding out my 3rd week today. My 7th trip and as always feels as if I'm coming into something new. I like to be in a space of discovery and exploration within the practice. It takes the edge off. It is important to touch, taste and feel every part of the experience. Even those challenging bits we find ourselves in on occasion. At this point settling in happens with ease but the practice in the shala is always full of surprises. Whether pleasant or unpleasant, witnessing the process of unfolding allows me to sit in a place of neutrality and observation. Understanding what is in and out of my control I can then ride the wave of energy that no matter what courses strong in the room like a steady march.

There have been so many things I have been contemplating lately. The process we all go through from time to time most certainly ebbs and flows in life and recently I have been feeling a flow. So many impressions and mental processes have come to light that sometimes it has been overwhelming. Within all of this I continue to place my heart in the center of it all. With countless hours of practice and study under my belt I am beginning to realize and lean on the simplicity of what it all culminates to. Can I love more openly? Can I live more open heartedly? How often do I rest on my fears and close? Do I extend a hand to the unfamiliar? Am I kind? Because it doesn't matter how many trips I make to Mysore and it doesn't matter how may complicated asanas I can do, if I don't open to the truth it is pointless.

I desire to push myself inside the unknowingness of it all. To look at everything with new eyes. To even come to my mat with a new perspective and curiosity. Because if I place too much importance on structure and the familiar I'm as good as dead, and ultimately building my spiritual home on sand. It isn't easy and sometimes you are stricken for it, but then again, everyone who has done anything of significance came to realize these challenges. Sometimes the path we take isn't accepted by the masses. The truth speaks ever so clearly and the courage to rise up to it can show itself in a myriad of ways. With this realization I can honor various paths and experiences and see the beauty in it all. No matter what differences that stand between, when understanding the truth, all walls tend to crumble.  

Just a Flexi-Girl . . .

“Earnestness is the path of eternity, thoughtlessness the path of death. Those who are in earnest do not die, those who are thoughtless are as if dead already.”  

(Buddha)

"Your just a flex-girl."

This is what a mutual peer and someone I considered a respected friend and colleague, told me a while back while having a conversation on none other than, asana practice. Often, talk has a way of going in that direction for whatever reason. When I heard the remark it took me a back. I was not only surprised but perplexed by the comment because it wasn't used in jest. Perplexed because if I misunderstood came off as if prior years of practice was all so easy. Funny how the act of consistent practice and discipline is never taken into consideration. However, I didn't spend too much time being offended by the comment because to say something like that is one lazy, and reflects more on the shortsighted view point of the one who said it.

So it got me thinking how easy it is to judge another, gravitating toward that something must have made it easier for someone to get where they are. There must be some excuse. It could be in regards to anything. Especially in a community where everyone likes to state their opinions about everything and everyone. It is then easy to miss all that happens in between. Often it is in the human condition that we don't even want to know the truth. We would rather rely on our own shortsighted judgements of someone else using the stories we make up in our heads as actual fact instead of learning a thing or two from the person we judge. In the end we miss a valuable opportunity to learn something.

It happens to the best of us when making snap judgements. This is where the mind likes to take us on any given day and like I said before and what I am realizing now is judgement comes out of laziness and the avoidance of truth. From truth comes responsibility, from truth we have to open rather than close. What we thought we knew may not be and for some a scary place because yes it takes more time to sit down with someone and really get to know them beyond the vision of our own lens. Then our stories don't carry much weight anymore. Wow, what freedom if only willing to step into understanding instead of fault finding!

Beyond judgement it also has me thinking what a disservice it does to comment on someone's practice in that regard or even their physical makeup. I've had a number of students with natural flexibility and in my eyes I'm like, so what. Whether flexible or hyper stable there is a sadhana (spiritual practice) being done and as a teacher I support one's sadhana. The result relies solely on the individual far beyond the performance of asana. It's not necessarily about mastering something external but about exploring each moment in each asana through conscious breath. The beauty viewed in practice stems from an internal alignment. The funny thing is some of my most sincere and humble students may have a few areas of natural ability but that in turn doesn't stop them from desiring to go ever deeper into the essence and truth of what this yoga tradition offers. One can never get the full story from the outside.

I think on another level it saddens me when we reduce things down on a level that in truth doesn't do much good for the one commenting or the one receiving the comment. If we understand that yoga practice leads to self-realization and the actualization of our true potential there isn't much to debate on what one does on the outside. It reminds me of what one student asked during a workshop I taught recently in regards to what I thought of her practice. I simply told her, "You're practicing consistently, I'm already impressed. Many stop long before where you are now. Just keep going. Keep exploring. This is what matters."